I joined Kiko’s Freethinkers Forum for an election night discussion on what can be done politically outside the two-party duopoly. All six hours are available here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znh85Un1_x8. I had jokes prepared but only had the chance to tell a few. Here are the rest. * Why do the Democrats need a strong Republican party? Because they’re assholes. * A large group of American Haitians arrive at the airport in Mexico City. The customs agent asks them: “Why are all of you leaving the U.S. at the same time?” One of them replies: “We’re afraid of being blamed for eating people’s pets.” The agent says: “But everyone knows you’re not eating pets.” The man replies: “That’s why we’re leaving.” * Why did the Democrats cross the aisle? Because it gets harder to own the libs these days. * Why did Kamala Harris’ Marxist father disown her? Because she’s a genocidal robocop and she smells bad. * Why did J.D. Vance’s mamaw give him a magical mithril shirt? To help him bring the evil ring to Saron. * Why did J.D. Vance have sex with his couch? Because his mamaw had a headache. * What do Thomas Matthew Crooks and Ryan Wesley Routh have in common? They wanted to give America a great replacement. * What did the editors of Jacobin say when they lied to their readers? No, the DSA is not the party of Kamala Harris. * Why did Kamala Harris choose Tim Walz [pronounced Walls] as her V.P. running mate? To keep out the immigrants. Don’t come. * What is worse, Lindsay Graham or a dump truck full of vomit and excrement? Lindsay Graham. * How did Oprah Winfrey replace Bill Cosby as the only African American on the Forbes 400 list? When you screw people, make sure it’s legal. * Why was North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson wasting his time when he burned his hand on a hot exhaust pipe? Because people already know that black fascists are stupid. * How is it that Kamala Harris understands that genocide and nuclear winter are “good opportunities”? Because, as Bill Clinton puts it, she has “that extra responsibility gene.” * Why does it now cost East European countries with records of human rights abuses five Euros to join the NATO alliance? Because of inflation on the administration fee. * How does Antony Blinken sleep at night? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. * What happened to all the pets in Springfield Ohio? They were eaten by J.D. Vance’s mamaw. * Why did Victoria Nuland tell the United Nations that she wanted to quote-unquote “fuck the E.U.”? Because after her affair with Dick Cheney no one else would have her. * What would North Carolina Lieutenant Governor Mark Robinson do if you had two cows? He would enslave you and your cows and go back to posting passages from Mein Kampf on NudeAfrica.com. * What does medical science call someone who has been diagnosed with Downe Syndrome, Alzheimer’s, Autism, Turrets Syndrome and Neurodevelopmental disorder? Marjorie Taylor Greene. * When a supporter of J.D. Vance has unprotected sex with him, what is the most disgusting thing she has when she wakes up in the morning? A signed copy of Hillbilly Elegy. * What does a plate of asparagus risotto have in common with AOC? They both make the left smell bad. * Why did Antony Blinken tie a shoestring around his balls? So that he remembered to bomb Iran before masturbating. * Did you know that there is a new website that publishes the names, photos and addresses of all the most dangerous criminals in the United States? It’s called Congress.gov. * Why did Donald Trump use a condom when he raped journalist E. Jean Carroll? Because he believes in protecting women whether they like it or not. * Why are Democrats promoting Tim Walz’s dad vibes? Because families separated at the border are going to need them. * Why is Kamala Harris promoting veterans’ home loans and home downpayment loans? Because Tim Walz told her that according to Matthew 25:40, “to the leased of these you do onto me.” * When was Tim Walz in Tiananmen Square? Around the same time Joe Biden got arrested for supporting Nelson Mandela. * [to be said by pulling back eyes, and in a Chinese voice] United States hegemony is just-a like athe-letes-a foot. After a while, very irritating. * What’s the difference between Truth Social and effective deterrence? On Truth Social you are certain to be punished. * Why are white American men not afraid to vote for Kamala Harris? It hides the fact that they’re not insecure about her relation to Dick Cheney. * Why does RFK Jr brush his teeth with shit? Because the toothpaste companies refused to remove the fluoride. * What did Kamala Harris’ father say to her when he disowned her? “You think you just fell out of a coconut tree? You exist in the context of all in which you live and what came before you.” * What did the Democrats say to their voters when the U.S. became a Nazi dictatorship? Keep calmala and carry onala. * Why do the Democrats use kids as pentanol drug mules? Because kids are cost-effective and you can use the money saved to bomb Donbas and Gaza. * How many DSA members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That depends on how recently they’ve whacked off. * Why did Cardi B and Harrison Ford endorse Kamala Harris? Because they’re legally blondala. * What’s the difference between RFK Jr and Harriet Tubman? Harriett Tubman was a heroine to slaves, but RFK Jr was a slave to heroin. * Why did the infirm, inept, and foul-smelling YouTube podcaster Douglas Lain get an erection at the vegan all you can eat buffet in downtown Portland? Because he saw the salad dressing. * What did Donald Trump say to the topless teenage girl he was photographed with by Ghislaine Maxwell? [in a hoarse voice:] “I don’t want your money. I want your vote.” * Why is Kamala Harris considered a “joyful warrior”? Because she enjoys killing Palestinians, Lebanese, Iranians, Yemenis and Russians. * Why did Donald Trump urinate on the secret documents he brought with him from the White House to his Mar-a-Lago compound? Because the Supreme Court said that he couldn’t piss all over the Constitution until they made him dictator. * Why did Joe Biden smack Donald Trump on the ass? Because at the end of the day, the Democrats are just as weird as the Republicans. * Feminists for Liz Cheney.